Audience essay feedback and learner response

 1) ·        You’ve delivered a 900+ word essay and covered a range of very good points that relate to the question – well done! This is a real achievement and your paragraph on the newspaper industry is particularly good.

·        It’s brilliant to see specific statistics and examples in there such as the fall in the number of newspapers sold in the UK. Examples and statistics are important and make your argument much more convincing – keep this up!

·        This is a great start in developing our writing for extended essay responses – both Media exams have 20-mark essays in them.

EBI:

·        You need to work on written English – spelling, punctuation and grammar. At GCSE level, good written English is essential.

·        Your introduction actually reads like a conclusion! I think it is because it begins with ‘As a result…’ Read your work back carefully and work on your introductory paragraph in future.

·        Finally, work on your topic sentences. The topic sentence is the first sentence in a new paragraph and it needs to clearly link to the essay question and signpost to your reader what the paragraph will cover. Some of your topic sentences are grammatically incorrect which gets the paragraph off to a bad start. E.g.

Print newspapers have changes due to the internet that are … audiences now can access to news online news and doesn’t need to wait to read the news out of a printed newspaper that you might  buy or even find in public , another thing is that now everyone has technologies and can be a journalist also now young people are not buying much newspapers as in the 2000 they used to buy 30 million a day where in  2017 12 million per a day , which is a big decrease and a difference my the time .

2) 914 

3) i think my newspaper paragraph is the best because i wrote much things and detailed things about it and how i wrote the numbers and things about newspapers before i think these information might be interesting for an essay .  i also gave many examples and things on  newspaper due to the internet . 

4) i think my music industry one was the least best even thought i put examples but  because i  think  its the least that i wrote details in . also it was short and not enough examples explained . 

5)i think i should use many examples and explain things and evidences like the newspaper numbers sold now and before and things that might help me in the paragraph and interesting , unknown much information in each paragraph  .also to write a better  introduction  that is easier and more understandable.

6)i learned how much the internet might have power and how it can take much power over people and everything and many things. also how and what ways the audience can control internet and industry at some point jus as the audience giving out views to a video and the video goes viral or just how stars gets popular . industry also takes a big part as it can control everything or as a whole movie and they get a lot of money as they are the producers. eg Steve Ditko and writer Stan Lee who made doctor strange  which got Doctor Strange grossed $232 million domestic and $335 million foreign, with another $109 from China for a total of $677 million.

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